So People DO Change ...

Wow. A year certainly does bring changes. Long story short, I had a really bad experience with a fellow opera company member ... basically a result of REALLY poor communication and inter-company gossip. It was not pretty ... but towards the end of the season (April/May -- before I was injured), we kind of agreed to make peace because we had a lot of mutual friends, unnecessary to make them "choose," etc. ... but the friendship never went back to what it was PRE crap.

I was really happy that she acknowledged that I had helped her feel good yesterday on a facebook status. She was just having a really hard time, and I guess I must have said something that helped? I don't know ... but this sort of thing always makes me happy ... when people (myself included) are given the opportunity to change their perceptions of another person ... you have to be really open to it, but when it happens, it's just a really good feeling.

On a related note, I've also reunited with an old friend from Barnard ... she is about to graduate (in less than a week!) and we haven't been in touch in over a year and a half ... AGAIN, t

he result of miscommunication (this time through a third party who was truly trying to be manipulative -- as opposed to third, fourth and fifth parties who like to gossip). I hedged my bets that my friend had matured PAST this other (formerly) mutual friend ... and she HAS. She's become her OWN PERSON and doesn't let this other girl weigh her down. In other words, she has TRULY graduated ... in a way that not many of us can. I am happy to have her back in my life.

This has been an ongoing theme for me post-accident: forgiveness ... taking responsibility for what was MY fault and allowing people to apologize if there was something they did. I've had to look back at who my friends truly have been ... who I miss and would like to reconcile with. And it's been really worth it. Holding grudges when there is still SO much pain over my accident is literally toxic.

Not to say that I'm little miss goody two shoes ... I'm not. And there ARE some things that fall under the other person's responsibility to fix ... but if they came to me and apologized, I would forgive them. Not because anyone tells me to ... but because that's the kind of person I find myself happier being.

Though I'm a work in progress. And FAR from perfect!!! And I'm not trying to assume a "higher than thou" attitude ... I hope none of this came across that way because this would be a MISCOMMUNICATION! lol. I'm just trying to .... heal? Let go? I don't know exactly -- but I know it feels good.

Steps in Recovery

Hello all -

Sorry for being so inconsistent with my posts. When I started this blog about 10 months ago, my goal was to keep my extended family and friends in the loop. It evolved into a desire to share my experience with other people who have had career ending (or potentially career ending) injuries, a piece that I am still working on. You can help make me more searchable by SUBSCRIBING TO MY BLOG! I think it's pretty self-explanatory.

So now. 5/5/10 ... approaching a very painful 1 year anniversary of when all this craziness started, and I find my mind absorbed more and more by the process of recovery; even though elements of the injury linger, I am learning slowly how to navigate around them. So I am going to change the focus of this blog into something that is more recovery based in nature ... the various steps I am taking mentally and physically to move past this disaster.

Before I get into all that, though ... it was unfortunately brought to my attention that several members of the Amato opera where I was working when I had this accident either did not believe me or did not believe the condition to be so serious. I can understand to a degree, in that I was not gushing blood. But this is a small enough group of people that word gets around. I don't need to "back myself up" against such idiocy, mostly because I don't want to relive the very VERY real elements of this disaster .... but I do feel the need to say this:

If you cannot understand the intense pain that comes from the threat of not being able to do what you LOVE again ... then I really feel sorry for you. If you do not love SOMETHING in your world enough to say, "I cannot live without this..." ... well, your world is more fake than you think mine to be.

This does not apply to EVERYONE, of course, but I have a better idea than one might think. Special hugs to those who STILL support me and my physically "bad" days ... and to those who have dared to care about another human being, even when many people were against her.

To the people who couldn't even wish me luck the night before my surgery? For shame.

Does this sound bitter? Of COURSE. Sadly, that's part of this "process" and it is very unpleasant. I am trying to get over it as soon as I can ... but some things just hit a sore spot.

Luckily, I have managed not to let bitterness impede too much on my day-to-day life. I have gained a whole note POST-surgery, now allowing for an easy high C and high D. Vocally, I am coming back stronger. I am turning to new forms of expression other than music (ie: art) to express my emotions ... I am turning to the Old Testament for comfort, some of which I will share on here. But this has been a harder journey than I ever thought possible. I hope some of you will allow me to share what remains with you.

Learning from the Ancient (and not so ancient) past.

(present day Sodom, Israel)

A reading from the book of Genesis (19:12) (bear with me here):

12 And the men said unto Lot: 'Hast thou here any besides? son-in-law, and thy sons, and thy daughters, and whomsoever thou hast in the city; bring them out of the place;

13 for we will destroy this place, because the cry of them is waxed great before the LORD; and the LORD hath sent us to destroy it.'

14 And Lot went out, and spoke unto his sons-in-law, who married his daughters, and said: 'Up, get you out of this place; for the LORD will destroy the city.' Bu

t he seemed unto his sons-in-law as one that jested.

15 And when the morning arose, then the angels hastened Lot, saying: 'Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daughters that are here; lest thou be swept away in the iniquity of the city.'

16 But he lingered; and the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters; the LORD being merciful unto him. And they brought him forth, and set him without the city.

17 And it came to pass, when they had brought them forth abroad, that he s

aid: 'Escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the Plain; escape to the mountain, lest thou be swept away.'

18 And Lot said unto them: 'Oh, not so, my lord;

19 behold now, thy servant hath found grace in thy sight, and thou hast magnified thy mercy, which thou hast shown unto me in saving my life; and I cannot escape to the mountain, lest the evil overtake me, and I die.

20 Behold now, this city is near to flee unto, and it is a little one; oh, let me escape thither--is it not a little one?--and my soul shall live.'

21 And he said unto him: 'See, I have accepted thee concerning this thing also, that I will not overthrow the city of which thou hast spoken.

22 Hasten thou, escape thither; for I cannot do any thing till thou be come thither.'--Therefore the name of the city

was called Zoar.--

23 The sun was risen upon the earth when Lot came unto Zoar.

24 Then the LORD caused to rain upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven;

25 and He overthrow those cities, and all the Plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground.

26 But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.

There are many variations on this story but the point is the same. Lots wife, who is not even given a name, looked back, trying to remember her old life in Sodom and Gomorrah ... and is frozen in time. She is not able to move forwards or backwards, and from Woman, she turns into the most basic of elements.

Point? I have been struggling with A LOT of bitterness towards my accident .... mainly towards the owner of the company I was with, who did not follow up with me at all (to this day). Not only have I been offered NO compensation, but the lack of communication makes me boil.

I am SO ANGRY that this happened to me. I can taste the bitterness.

The bitterness is strangling me. I am not a bitter person -- but, like Lot's wife, I keep looking BACK and have literally become frozen. It is awful. I am not the me I used to be. IT IS KILLING ME.

I do not think forgiveness is even a possibility. BUT, if I can work harder at tapping into my faith in G-d and His plan ... I know that Maestro will have some trouble getting through those Pearly Gates. It is troubling that he is not trying to right some wrongs towards the end of his life, especially after a long life of doing GOOD. I do think that St. Peter will have something to say about that.

In other ways, I am trying to purge myself of the other bitternesses I have held on to for so long. The other night brought a simultaneous e-mail sending between me and my best friend from grade school (age 10). The story of how we "broke up" is kind of irrelevant now. We are both in such different places. Some things are not productive to revisit -- lest we become pillars of salt. I would rather get to know the "new" Emily ... who is a very different person than when I saw her last.

Emily is a BEAUTIFUL person, inside and out. And, even if she doesn't fully see it (who does?), it radiates through her pictures and the sound of her voice. I refuse to turn into salt again with her. We have always felt bonded ... and I hope she feels the same way. Reuniting with her has brought me more happiness than I have felt in a long time.

It is possible to let go of the past .... though my accident is much harder. Emotional hurt does dim in time (depending) .... but I wonder if MY hurt (mental and physical) will ever go away. I'm getting a little scared.

I'm taking some good steps ... I'll be seeing my nutritionist for the first time in a couple of years (oops) ... I need to put a couple of pounds back on, as well as take a refresher course in nutrition. I know that will help me feel better if I can do what she suggests ...

Goodness, it is late ... enough soul searching for now.

YC

ps - to those of you that read this ... check in about once a week, or subscribe so I don't have to keep notifying everyone of an update.

The thing about blogging is ...

... I am trying to find the fine line between discussing my experience for the "greater good" (so that people can understand just what serious injury entails, etc.) without spilling my guts on to the internet. That's why I haven't been writing lately. It is sometimes hard to distinguish what SHOULD be shared with what is really none of your business! :)

But it all falls under "recovery." And THAT'S what I want to share.

Since I last wrote: PT is up and down. I am getting stronger very quickly (and will probably move up to the next resistance theraband in a few weeks) ... I can actually FEEL thin

gs popping in my back, which means the muscles are loosening. AND I've been able to lie on my back and reach above my head and touch the floor a total of 4 times. Sounds like nothing, but I'll take when I can get. I want to be able to do a windmill with my shoulders soon ... but think that's a few months off!!

I have been so inspired watching these Olympics ... especially by the story of 19yr. old J R Celski, the American speed skater, who sliced his thigh open during the trials in September and came within an inch of his femoral artery. 60 stitches and was told he would never walk again, let alone skate -- and I got to watch him take bronze. It was so amazing to see someone show the WORLD that you can recover from something horrific ... I hope I can show that in a larger way some day. I am certain his journey has not been without psychological struggle ... but what an amazing story. Unreal.

I'd really encourage everyone to read the article below ...

http://www.asianjournal.com/dateline-usa/15-dateline-usa/4592-jr-celski-conquering-the-odds-to-fulfill-his-olympic-dream.html

My plans? After a NASTY lower back spasm yesterday that literally paralyzed my legs for about an hour yesterday, I think it is best that I get out and walk ... I've really wanted to go the the Natural History Museum for a while .... so hopefully we'll get our act together and get down there.

Cheers for now ...

Day After PT = agony

Woke up feeling like crap ... at 12:30pm, after having gone to bed at 8 the night before. Every muscle in my body is in spasm, and I've put myself back on a liquid/soft diet for my jaw ... we'll see where I'm at in a few days, combined with the Mobic (a stronger anti-inflammatory that my surgeon prescribed.

Wasn't able to do much today, which is SO IRRITATING. I'm so afraid of continuing with PT. I kind of do

n't want to go through so much physical pain AGAIN ... but the strain on my jaw is very concerning ... still, I don't like this. It feels like the flu ... only just in my back.

In this picture, the number of muscles running up into the jaw and head are numerous and some of the strongest in the body. This shows the mastoid muscle, which you can find right below your ear (or thereabouts), running from the bottom of the skull down the length of the neck, past the larynx. The same is true for the trapezius. When either muscle is injured, the other has to take over ... this is not so easy

. Tightness in both contribute to problems in the TMJ, which is why many people heal from neck stretching alone (not surgery).

This diagram is slightly more detailed, showing the muscles the reach over the skull (which is why many people with TMJ complain of headaches). Stress, etc. causes people to clench their teeth. Try clenching yours for a second and run your fingers over the muscles indicated. Any of them feel tight to you? They should ... and when you relax, you should feel them relax. Not, again, how the two secondary mastoids criss-cross the neck and over the larynx. A blow to the ear, as you can see, strikes ALL of these muscles, causing major trauma and injury. The more I learn, the more I wonder how in the hell I got up.

This is the most detailed model I have found. It is hard to read the names of all the muscles pictured here ... but again note the covering of the larynx (the larynx and cervical spine are actually pictured here. None of these muscles are any good right now on me. They must ALL be fixed ... manually.

And so, to PT I go ... but one more day to rest. Next round is Thursday.

Love,

Y

5 Months Post-Op: an update at long last

Hello Everyone! If you've returned to view my blog again, then thank you so much. It's been a long time since I've updated -- this recovery process has been more complicated than I thought.

Instead of trying to recall the past two months, here's a few non-connected sentences of where I am now and how I am dealing with this stage of my recovery:

• I am coming to realize the psychological impact (no pun intended) that this has had on me. I mentioned in my last post about breaking out into hives while singing the aria that I performed right before I fell ... well, I am seeing more and more how the fall is affecting me NOW. That is the stuff that I will be very general about -- it is very hard, and I don't really want to put my heart SO far out into cyberspace. I have wonderful support and a teacher who is slowly helping me heal.
• I see where I've lost time and hearing the holes in my vocal technique. A lot of trouble getting back is due to damage to the muscles in my throat and back -- hard to lift the sternum without pain. That's frustrating ... but I believe I can do it.
• Where there is a will, there is a way. I hope.

I started Physical Therapy today at Phelps Memorial Hospital. I felt it was a good day to write. I am so damn tired of being in pain (those meds aren't so nice when you actually NEED them) and fed up with people sticking needles into my back that I finally went to a neurologist last week.

He READ MY FILMS, which NO ONE else has done! They've just been looking at the reports! So he was able to give me a clearer picture of what he thought was going on (predominantly severe soft tissue damage), and another clinician wrote an Rx for PT.

The neurologist also explained to me some of the weird symptoms I am still having (basic math, short term memory, word searching) as post-concussive symptoms that WILL pass ... but may be more than 1 yr. At least I know it is not permanent. But frustrating.

Day 1 of PT was just an eval, and I was screaming. All the therapist was doing was attempting to lift the skin off my muscles (try it on your hand -- not pinching) ... I was in agony. EVERY muscle from my shoulder blades upward are literally frozen.

I have wanted to just get back to the gym and always wondered why I just cannot do what others can. Turns out, I physically cannot -- it's not just in my head or that I am lazy. I was told by Marcela (my PT) no weight lifting for 3 months minimum. No gym anything.

Assures me I will get there ... but cannot afford more damage.

Additionally, all the muscles around my larynx are seriously screwed up.

I just want to feel 25. I hope I'll get there. I feel robbed of my body.

I hope somehow, I am having an impact on you all ... I want so badly to use this whole experience to HELP others, as opposed to internalizing it and becoming bitter. I AM bitter. Extremely. And feel extremely angry and betrayed. And I have reason to feel this way.

But it will kill me. I didn't live through this fall to have bitterness take over my mind. And so I want others to hear. I know I have a story to tell ... and I think it is worth hearing.

With Love

Y

3 MONTHS POST-OP!!!

Today marks 3 months since my surgery. In 10 days, I will be recording my pre-screening CD for graduate schools. I cannot believe I have made it to this point. That's not to say that I am not EXHAUSTED. I have worked my butt off these past few months -- my teacher says I've worked harder than I think I have, that I sound much better than I think I do ... and that, as usual, I am over-thinking!

It has been a while since I have written, which is unfortunate. I am going to try to get back to writing in more regularly since a BIG part of starting this blog was to discuss the challenges of resuming a normal life as a musician after a potentially career-ending injury.

Let's see .... well, since I last logged in, I've expanded my food repertoire! I am on solids completely (with some exceptions -- I still find bread to be challenging because it is so chewy, steak would be too difficult, and I have a phobia about potato chips! And I still haven't had the Italian hero I've been craving for months). I learned that I am iron deficient (shocker), which is no big deal ... but I got my first taste of red meat a few days ago, and I swear, I literally felt my red blood cells getting happier. It was an AMAZING boost of energy ... although I would have preferred it in steak and not hamburger patty form.

I'm starting to exercise more ... still need to work on that. My weight is making it tricky. I should be about 115-117 (and I haven't checked lately) ... but my teacher thought I needed to put on a few pounds, so that must mean I'm a little under. SO, while I want to get my endurance back, I have to be careful not to lose too much Yona in the process! I started taking a swim class for people with arthritis. It is a good boost to my ego -- I am the youngest and most attractive in the class, lol. And it does help me to exercise in the water -- I don't get as sore, and so I am less discouraged.

All that being said, my endurance HAS improved ten-fold. I was running across Lincoln Plaza the other night because we were late to the opera (and I mean sprinting) and wasn't out of breath! It's not perfect, but my body is healing. My biggest challenge now is learning to deal with the pain that still comes from the damage I did to my neck (not to mention the arthritic stuff) ... doctors are very sadistic. Having to be on narcotics when my back freaks out is a major inconvenience. They give you the meds to treat it, but are of no further help ... "pain management" is a bit of a joke.

Otherwise, my life has revolved around lessons 3x a week, coachings, etc. People do not realize how difficult of a career music can be. I am even surprised sometimes! But the work is rewarding for me. I have had a LOT to deal with and still do (I am dealing with increased anxiety and PTSD symptoms surrounding the accident, and it can absolutely affect me musicall

y; I broke out in hives while singing a piece from Figaro!) ... and I'm not always sure I'll get ther

e. I'm blessed with a teacher who believes in me ... and I need that right now until I can believe in myself a bit more.

I've also used the time I have now to repair some burned bridges. I wanted to right some wron

gs that happened with some of my friends during my undergrad years and have been

so humbled and amazed at their willingness to forgive ME as well. I almost died in that accident -- 1 mm higher and I would have been a goner because I would have hit the soft tissue of my brain. Life is just too short, and this has been a really healing process. I thank the three girls who wrote me back from the bottom of my heart.

That's about it. There is still a lot of struggle. There is still a lot of work. But I am just keeping my mind focused on my music right now, as must as I can. Yes, I get lonely. Yes, I wonder if I am making the right decision. Yes, I am bitter that this happened to me in the first place. And, sadly, there is ensuing depression that comes along with that, despite my happiness that my surgery has been a complete success.

But I'm getting there. Slowly. I hope.

With many good wishes and love to all of you who care to read this ....

Yona