Day After PT = agony

Woke up feeling like crap ... at 12:30pm, after having gone to bed at 8 the night before. Every muscle in my body is in spasm, and I've put myself back on a liquid/soft diet for my jaw ... we'll see where I'm at in a few days, combined with the Mobic (a stronger anti-inflammatory that my surgeon prescribed.

Wasn't able to do much today, which is SO IRRITATING. I'm so afraid of continuing with PT. I kind of do

n't want to go through so much physical pain AGAIN ... but the strain on my jaw is very concerning ... still, I don't like this. It feels like the flu ... only just in my back.

In this picture, the number of muscles running up into the jaw and head are numerous and some of the strongest in the body. This shows the mastoid muscle, which you can find right below your ear (or thereabouts), running from the bottom of the skull down the length of the neck, past the larynx. The same is true for the trapezius. When either muscle is injured, the other has to take over ... this is not so easy

. Tightness in both contribute to problems in the TMJ, which is why many people heal from neck stretching alone (not surgery).

This diagram is slightly more detailed, showing the muscles the reach over the skull (which is why many people with TMJ complain of headaches). Stress, etc. causes people to clench their teeth. Try clenching yours for a second and run your fingers over the muscles indicated. Any of them feel tight to you? They should ... and when you relax, you should feel them relax. Not, again, how the two secondary mastoids criss-cross the neck and over the larynx. A blow to the ear, as you can see, strikes ALL of these muscles, causing major trauma and injury. The more I learn, the more I wonder how in the hell I got up.

This is the most detailed model I have found. It is hard to read the names of all the muscles pictured here ... but again note the covering of the larynx (the larynx and cervical spine are actually pictured here. None of these muscles are any good right now on me. They must ALL be fixed ... manually.

And so, to PT I go ... but one more day to rest. Next round is Thursday.

Love,

Y

5 Months Post-Op: an update at long last

Hello Everyone! If you've returned to view my blog again, then thank you so much. It's been a long time since I've updated -- this recovery process has been more complicated than I thought.

Instead of trying to recall the past two months, here's a few non-connected sentences of where I am now and how I am dealing with this stage of my recovery:

• I am coming to realize the psychological impact (no pun intended) that this has had on me. I mentioned in my last post about breaking out into hives while singing the aria that I performed right before I fell ... well, I am seeing more and more how the fall is affecting me NOW. That is the stuff that I will be very general about -- it is very hard, and I don't really want to put my heart SO far out into cyberspace. I have wonderful support and a teacher who is slowly helping me heal.
• I see where I've lost time and hearing the holes in my vocal technique. A lot of trouble getting back is due to damage to the muscles in my throat and back -- hard to lift the sternum without pain. That's frustrating ... but I believe I can do it.
• Where there is a will, there is a way. I hope.

I started Physical Therapy today at Phelps Memorial Hospital. I felt it was a good day to write. I am so damn tired of being in pain (those meds aren't so nice when you actually NEED them) and fed up with people sticking needles into my back that I finally went to a neurologist last week.

He READ MY FILMS, which NO ONE else has done! They've just been looking at the reports! So he was able to give me a clearer picture of what he thought was going on (predominantly severe soft tissue damage), and another clinician wrote an Rx for PT.

The neurologist also explained to me some of the weird symptoms I am still having (basic math, short term memory, word searching) as post-concussive symptoms that WILL pass ... but may be more than 1 yr. At least I know it is not permanent. But frustrating.

Day 1 of PT was just an eval, and I was screaming. All the therapist was doing was attempting to lift the skin off my muscles (try it on your hand -- not pinching) ... I was in agony. EVERY muscle from my shoulder blades upward are literally frozen.

I have wanted to just get back to the gym and always wondered why I just cannot do what others can. Turns out, I physically cannot -- it's not just in my head or that I am lazy. I was told by Marcela (my PT) no weight lifting for 3 months minimum. No gym anything.

Assures me I will get there ... but cannot afford more damage.

Additionally, all the muscles around my larynx are seriously screwed up.

I just want to feel 25. I hope I'll get there. I feel robbed of my body.

I hope somehow, I am having an impact on you all ... I want so badly to use this whole experience to HELP others, as opposed to internalizing it and becoming bitter. I AM bitter. Extremely. And feel extremely angry and betrayed. And I have reason to feel this way.

But it will kill me. I didn't live through this fall to have bitterness take over my mind. And so I want others to hear. I know I have a story to tell ... and I think it is worth hearing.

With Love

Y

3 MONTHS POST-OP!!!

Today marks 3 months since my surgery. In 10 days, I will be recording my pre-screening CD for graduate schools. I cannot believe I have made it to this point. That's not to say that I am not EXHAUSTED. I have worked my butt off these past few months -- my teacher says I've worked harder than I think I have, that I sound much better than I think I do ... and that, as usual, I am over-thinking!

It has been a while since I have written, which is unfortunate. I am going to try to get back to writing in more regularly since a BIG part of starting this blog was to discuss the challenges of resuming a normal life as a musician after a potentially career-ending injury.

Let's see .... well, since I last logged in, I've expanded my food repertoire! I am on solids completely (with some exceptions -- I still find bread to be challenging because it is so chewy, steak would be too difficult, and I have a phobia about potato chips! And I still haven't had the Italian hero I've been craving for months). I learned that I am iron deficient (shocker), which is no big deal ... but I got my first taste of red meat a few days ago, and I swear, I literally felt my red blood cells getting happier. It was an AMAZING boost of energy ... although I would have preferred it in steak and not hamburger patty form.

I'm starting to exercise more ... still need to work on that. My weight is making it tricky. I should be about 115-117 (and I haven't checked lately) ... but my teacher thought I needed to put on a few pounds, so that must mean I'm a little under. SO, while I want to get my endurance back, I have to be careful not to lose too much Yona in the process! I started taking a swim class for people with arthritis. It is a good boost to my ego -- I am the youngest and most attractive in the class, lol. And it does help me to exercise in the water -- I don't get as sore, and so I am less discouraged.

All that being said, my endurance HAS improved ten-fold. I was running across Lincoln Plaza the other night because we were late to the opera (and I mean sprinting) and wasn't out of breath! It's not perfect, but my body is healing. My biggest challenge now is learning to deal with the pain that still comes from the damage I did to my neck (not to mention the arthritic stuff) ... doctors are very sadistic. Having to be on narcotics when my back freaks out is a major inconvenience. They give you the meds to treat it, but are of no further help ... "pain management" is a bit of a joke.

Otherwise, my life has revolved around lessons 3x a week, coachings, etc. People do not realize how difficult of a career music can be. I am even surprised sometimes! But the work is rewarding for me. I have had a LOT to deal with and still do (I am dealing with increased anxiety and PTSD symptoms surrounding the accident, and it can absolutely affect me musicall

y; I broke out in hives while singing a piece from Figaro!) ... and I'm not always sure I'll get ther

e. I'm blessed with a teacher who believes in me ... and I need that right now until I can believe in myself a bit more.

I've also used the time I have now to repair some burned bridges. I wanted to right some wron

gs that happened with some of my friends during my undergrad years and have been

so humbled and amazed at their willingness to forgive ME as well. I almost died in that accident -- 1 mm higher and I would have been a goner because I would have hit the soft tissue of my brain. Life is just too short, and this has been a really healing process. I thank the three girls who wrote me back from the bottom of my heart.

That's about it. There is still a lot of struggle. There is still a lot of work. But I am just keeping my mind focused on my music right now, as must as I can. Yes, I get lonely. Yes, I wonder if I am making the right decision. Yes, I am bitter that this happened to me in the first place. And, sadly, there is ensuing depression that comes along with that, despite my happiness that my surgery has been a complete success.

But I'm getting there. Slowly. I hope.

With many good wishes and love to all of you who care to read this ....

Yona

Pizza, pizza!

So I still can't eat traditional bread (naan, sandwich bread, rolls, etc.) because they are too chewy ... but I felt like taking a risk yesterday and had my first slice of pizza since MAY!!!! And oh man, it tasted good. No pain, just some fatigue ... like any injury, the muscles in my jaw have atrophied to the point that when I clench my teeth (for experimental purposes only!), I barely feel any muscle movement/contraction in my cheeks!

BUT the cure for that is getting back to a normal diet. Pizza was my first step. Behold the wonder:

Life is Good Sometimes

This was just a good moment in a hectic day in a month full of depression and more injury ... but even if it is brief, I try to really enjoy when I feel GOOD and happy. There's usually so much weight on my shoulders ... so this afternoon of "goodness" was one to enjoy ... even though I am starting to come down from it a bit now.

Coming attractions!: "Yona Eats a Burger" and other adventures in TMJ surgery recovery!

Why I can NEVER look normal in the opening shot of these, despite my efforts, I will never know.

I'm still here ... a Return to the Opera!

I'm still here.

I'm still awaiting MRI reports from the accident (which totaled my poor car!). I'm in pain, but walking and doing everything my body is supposed to do.

I went back to the Met tonight ... the first time I had seen an opera since the theatre I was injured at closed on May 31. The opera this evening was, "The Marriage of Figaro." It is so amazing to me that despite my many bad associations with that opera ... it still makes me smile and moves me like none other. I did break into hives and major tachycardia during the scene that I got injured in ... and realized how FAST it was! Gosh ... 5 measures? Maybe? Down and up?

I suppose part of what moves me the most about opera is that here is something that Mozart composed in 1786) that people are still cracking up at today. The blackberries and cell phones are turned off and everything is silent for a few blissful hours. And all we hear are the echoes of a genius being presented to us by the talent of today. The singer very often takes on the responsibility of the "deliverer" ... it's a role I enjoy very much.

This Cherubino (Isabelle Leonard) was fantastic -- she made me so happy. I was able to see more of what I really accomplished ... all that with a swollen left temporal lobe and a displaced jaw! :) It was exciting to think of maybe one day having the possibility of being on a stage with room to run on.

Otherwise, I've been working really hard to get myself back on track vocally and have been VERY focused on graduate school applications ... not sure if that is the next step from here, but we'll see.

I will try to update more often; a big part of recovery is getting my brain and confidence back together. My teacher told me this week that "Singing is the closest you can get to God." I firmly believe this; a magnificent singer is a spiritual one, in one way or another.

I also attached a picture included here is of MY moment as Cherubino at my curtain call (post-injury).

Love to all.

Setbacks

I suppose with any recovery, there is a set-back.

Mine came in the form of my very first car accident in 8 and a half years on Friday evening, the start of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. I lost control of my car on a country road, went into the gully, hit a tree stump, careened to the other side of the road and crashed into something. Not sure what, but the airbags exploded, and I felt my face burning from the fumes and I just got OUT as fast as I could (couldn't tell where the smoke was coming from).

I walked away from my car. THREE CARS passed me on the road and did not stop. THREE. All dressed up for a holiday dinner (I live in a very Jewish neighborhood, so it is a safe bet). There's irony for ya huh? "Quick, the sun is setting! We can't stop to help this girl standing alone next to her smoking car!"

Someone did stop, and stayed until my parents, paramedics got there. ER for hours, the whole works.

I am structurally "OK" as far as the basics (no fractured vertebrae, etc.) ... but in SO MUCH PAIN. I am better today, and I got in for an emergency appt. with the pain management MD who did my epidural shots in my spine. I do not have a good idea of the full extent of the damage, as the emergency MRI machine was VERY old (how funny that I know the difference!!). All I know is that I hurt. REALLY BADLY. RIGHT when I was starting to feel more sure on my feet. I had just managed to get my body back into "child's pose" in yoga last week: now, it is excruciating.

Percocet makes me SO depressed that it is not a candidate. Vicodin works, but not great ... works better with a muscle relaxant, which knocks me out ... BOTH of these medications make it impossible for me to live a normal life.

I am sure you all can imagine what I am feeling right now, so it seems silly to state the obvious.

My jaw survived the ordeal in tact! It hurts right at the joints where the cervical collar cut in (I was in it and on a backboard for 5 hrs).

There must be some kind of universe misalignment or something ... I'm not sure. But it makes me more than a little wary. A reminder of what I have been saying all along: a major injury affects your MIND as much as your body. To heal, you have to treat both.

And so, here I am. Alive, yet this strange feeling of fragmentation.

Until next time ...