Setbacks

I suppose with any recovery, there is a set-back.

Mine came in the form of my very first car accident in 8 and a half years on Friday evening, the start of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. I lost control of my car on a country road, went into the gully, hit a tree stump, careened to the other side of the road and crashed into something. Not sure what, but the airbags exploded, and I felt my face burning from the fumes and I just got OUT as fast as I could (couldn't tell where the smoke was coming from).

I walked away from my car. THREE CARS passed me on the road and did not stop. THREE. All dressed up for a holiday dinner (I live in a very Jewish neighborhood, so it is a safe bet). There's irony for ya huh? "Quick, the sun is setting! We can't stop to help this girl standing alone next to her smoking car!"

Someone did stop, and stayed until my parents, paramedics got there. ER for hours, the whole works.

I am structurally "OK" as far as the basics (no fractured vertebrae, etc.) ... but in SO MUCH PAIN. I am better today, and I got in for an emergency appt. with the pain management MD who did my epidural shots in my spine. I do not have a good idea of the full extent of the damage, as the emergency MRI machine was VERY old (how funny that I know the difference!!). All I know is that I hurt. REALLY BADLY. RIGHT when I was starting to feel more sure on my feet. I had just managed to get my body back into "child's pose" in yoga last week: now, it is excruciating.

Percocet makes me SO depressed that it is not a candidate. Vicodin works, but not great ... works better with a muscle relaxant, which knocks me out ... BOTH of these medications make it impossible for me to live a normal life.

I am sure you all can imagine what I am feeling right now, so it seems silly to state the obvious.

My jaw survived the ordeal in tact! It hurts right at the joints where the cervical collar cut in (I was in it and on a backboard for 5 hrs).

There must be some kind of universe misalignment or something ... I'm not sure. But it makes me more than a little wary. A reminder of what I have been saying all along: a major injury affects your MIND as much as your body. To heal, you have to treat both.

And so, here I am. Alive, yet this strange feeling of fragmentation.

Until next time ...

Yoga and a Return to the Bowery

This is my 30th post! I am OFFICIALLY a dork.

Well, I went to a yoga class yesterday. A "gentle" yoga class, mind you. And I am SO beat. 70 year old men were running peaceful, serene circles around me. I'm just ... not very strong. Maybe I'll get back to the gym today and work on lowering my heart rate ... at the moment, I can shoot right up to 160+ BPM within the first couple minutes of cardio work ... which isn't exactly great. On the other hand, at least we know it's ticking!

I also went to my first rehearsal at a new company that is just around the corner from "The Scene of the Fall." I can't even walk past that building without cringing. But it was nice to jump back into something musical.

That's basically it ... this is a totally self-involved post -- sorry for that. I'll try to post something more informative soon! Stay tuned.

Hi, I'm 24, but apparently secretly 80

Jaw opening continues to be GREAT, so that is a huge blessing. It is more painful when it rains, which I guess makes sense. I had a nectarine today (peel taken off) AND a frozen yogurt from Pinkberry with raspberries and kiwi. Things take a lot longer to chew. I have a good idea of what my limit is (it's about what I just listed for today! lol).

I am just getting frustrated at how weak the rest of me is. It's hard to get my energy up for a good singing lesson, which is hard to believe because I LOVE my teacher and am so eager to please her ... I've felt bad lately that I can't do things as well as I used to.

Exhibit A: I somehow threw my back out and have been in total spasm for three days. Nothing helps. I FORCE myself to keep moving because I refused to let injury/chronic illness control me ... as a reminder, as a result of May's disastrous fall, Dr's also discovered bulging discs in my neck, as well as arthritis in C5-C7. I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia. But I REALLY try to forget all these ... I just feel like I keep running into them.

I've found some diagrams of the muscles in the neck and face, so you can see how pain/inflammation/tension in one place (ie: jaw) tends to radiate, causing headaches, backaches, etc. I am trying to stay away from medications as a solution, but often there is no choice. With time, these muscles will loosen (I can do things like yoga ... which will be frustrating until I can get my muscles strong enough to get me up off the floor!!!) ... I just don't know how MUCH time. It absolutely makes me more compassionate for people who are not as fortunate as I am, for people who are in accidents and suffer injuries from which recovery is not really possible.

The diagrams below are pretty self-explanatory. Note the ones that lead from the TMJ ... muscles are kind of like those old curly telephone cords - one kink, and the whole line is screwed up. Or a slinky. If the slinky gets screwed up, it won't go down the stairs as easily. You can then purchase a new slinky -- can't buy a new body.

On exam, ALL the muscles shown here are in spasm on me (there are probably a few exceptions but not much). Blows to the head put tremendous pressure on muscle.

3 weeks post-op and ....

I HAVE A NORMAL JAW OPENING!!!!! 42 mm .... up 16 mm from two weeks ago. What do you know, the stretching worked! I still have to stretch (3x a day, down from 4x) ... and, unfortunately, my diet options have not expanded tremendously: "I'd say light chewing ... but nothing like a piece of white bread or anything." *sigh* So, same stuff as always ... thin, soft fish was an option, so I am hoping that means I can do sushi sans seaweed? Not sure. All I know is that I have a definite milkshake gut, lol.

I DID successfully consume about 5 SMALL cubes of melon before my jaw started to hurt (that's basically the rule: if it hurts, stop)

I am so surprised at how weak my entire body has become -- no one prepared me for that. I'll get back slowly ... lots of work to do!

I see the MD again in 4 weeks, which will put us at 7 weeks post-op. I'll post some really cool pictures later.

Love to all.

Hello All --

I know I've been a little inconsistent with my blogging ... mostly because I find it hard to formulate my thoughts into words (and I am not in the mood to do another video at the moment, but thanks for all the positive feedback on that!)

I had a really great weekend. A very good friend of mine from college came up and we went to the beach, which was really, really gorgeous ... I did more driving than I had done since before the accident, so I was EXHAUSTED beyond belief. But it was worth it to get out. AND my headache held off until after she left this afternoon *phew*

It was nice being with such a good friend. It's easy to forget how much that cheers you up.

Otherwise, it's more of the same. I have my 3-week post-op on Tuesday. I hope to get moved to the soft food diet as opposed to liquid, but I am not sure. My jaw has gotten very painful to stretch. AND I had the great fortune of Ruth, my very powerful rottweiler, pulling me head-first into the dirt because she was so excited to get in the care!!! I hit my head and nose HARD (and snapped my neck back), but that goodness it was dirt. This is getting a little insane!

I keep talking about how the rehab process is hard, and I wanted to explain more of that. Aside from the time commitment, I find myself wondering if I am ever going to accomplish my end-all goal, or has this put me out entirely? The arthritic condition in my neck makes me feel VERY old because people keep telling me what I can and cannot do. The woman that is my pain-management doc's assistant (different from my GP) told me that I would "never be able to do anything high intensity ever again," which is an awful thing to say. She was talking about how she couldn't imagine being in my shoes and not being able to go home and hug her son and toss him up into the air every day. Great. Bitch.

But it is SO hard to work through. My body is really de-conditioned, and trying to get it back is hard. I went to the gym and got my heart rate into the 160's within 3 minutes! Oops. But I lasted for 20 minutes at that pace. I prefer outdoor biking.

I think yoga is going to be best. I have never been very limber, but now I am MUCH less so. I figure that will help with some of the pain.

Anyway, that's all my boring news. I have some pictures I will post soon.

xox ymc

Some pictures ...

I'm about to do my jaw PT and then head to the gym to see how de-conditioned I am, but here are some photos. The Hawaiian flowers are from our friend in San Francisco (and were actually shipped from Hilo, HI). I am never happier than when I am on those islands, where I practically grew up as a kid, so this was a very special treat!

Because I am too lazy to type ...

I decided to do another video entry this time; a lot of people seemed to like the format. Besides, when I get kind of down, I find it hard to type ... if I speak, then it's just out there, if that makes sense. SO, here is video update #2. Thanks to Katie for the encouragement on this, and thank you all for taking the time to read/listen.