Day After PT = agony

Woke up feeling like crap ... at 12:30pm, after having gone to bed at 8 the night before. Every muscle in my body is in spasm, and I've put myself back on a liquid/soft diet for my jaw ... we'll see where I'm at in a few days, combined with the Mobic (a stronger anti-inflammatory that my surgeon prescribed.

Wasn't able to do much today, which is SO IRRITATING. I'm so afraid of continuing with PT. I kind of do

n't want to go through so much physical pain AGAIN ... but the strain on my jaw is very concerning ... still, I don't like this. It feels like the flu ... only just in my back.

In this picture, the number of muscles running up into the jaw and head are numerous and some of the strongest in the body. This shows the mastoid muscle, which you can find right below your ear (or thereabouts), running from the bottom of the skull down the length of the neck, past the larynx. The same is true for the trapezius. When either muscle is injured, the other has to take over ... this is not so easy

. Tightness in both contribute to problems in the TMJ, which is why many people heal from neck stretching alone (not surgery).

This diagram is slightly more detailed, showing the muscles the reach over the skull (which is why many people with TMJ complain of headaches). Stress, etc. causes people to clench their teeth. Try clenching yours for a second and run your fingers over the muscles indicated. Any of them feel tight to you? They should ... and when you relax, you should feel them relax. Not, again, how the two secondary mastoids criss-cross the neck and over the larynx. A blow to the ear, as you can see, strikes ALL of these muscles, causing major trauma and injury. The more I learn, the more I wonder how in the hell I got up.

This is the most detailed model I have found. It is hard to read the names of all the muscles pictured here ... but again note the covering of the larynx (the larynx and cervical spine are actually pictured here. None of these muscles are any good right now on me. They must ALL be fixed ... manually.

And so, to PT I go ... but one more day to rest. Next round is Thursday.

Love,

Y

5 Months Post-Op: an update at long last

Hello Everyone! If you've returned to view my blog again, then thank you so much. It's been a long time since I've updated -- this recovery process has been more complicated than I thought.

Instead of trying to recall the past two months, here's a few non-connected sentences of where I am now and how I am dealing with this stage of my recovery:

• I am coming to realize the psychological impact (no pun intended) that this has had on me. I mentioned in my last post about breaking out into hives while singing the aria that I performed right before I fell ... well, I am seeing more and more how the fall is affecting me NOW. That is the stuff that I will be very general about -- it is very hard, and I don't really want to put my heart SO far out into cyberspace. I have wonderful support and a teacher who is slowly helping me heal.
• I see where I've lost time and hearing the holes in my vocal technique. A lot of trouble getting back is due to damage to the muscles in my throat and back -- hard to lift the sternum without pain. That's frustrating ... but I believe I can do it.
• Where there is a will, there is a way. I hope.

I started Physical Therapy today at Phelps Memorial Hospital. I felt it was a good day to write. I am so damn tired of being in pain (those meds aren't so nice when you actually NEED them) and fed up with people sticking needles into my back that I finally went to a neurologist last week.

He READ MY FILMS, which NO ONE else has done! They've just been looking at the reports! So he was able to give me a clearer picture of what he thought was going on (predominantly severe soft tissue damage), and another clinician wrote an Rx for PT.

The neurologist also explained to me some of the weird symptoms I am still having (basic math, short term memory, word searching) as post-concussive symptoms that WILL pass ... but may be more than 1 yr. At least I know it is not permanent. But frustrating.

Day 1 of PT was just an eval, and I was screaming. All the therapist was doing was attempting to lift the skin off my muscles (try it on your hand -- not pinching) ... I was in agony. EVERY muscle from my shoulder blades upward are literally frozen.

I have wanted to just get back to the gym and always wondered why I just cannot do what others can. Turns out, I physically cannot -- it's not just in my head or that I am lazy. I was told by Marcela (my PT) no weight lifting for 3 months minimum. No gym anything.

Assures me I will get there ... but cannot afford more damage.

Additionally, all the muscles around my larynx are seriously screwed up.

I just want to feel 25. I hope I'll get there. I feel robbed of my body.

I hope somehow, I am having an impact on you all ... I want so badly to use this whole experience to HELP others, as opposed to internalizing it and becoming bitter. I AM bitter. Extremely. And feel extremely angry and betrayed. And I have reason to feel this way.

But it will kill me. I didn't live through this fall to have bitterness take over my mind. And so I want others to hear. I know I have a story to tell ... and I think it is worth hearing.

With Love

Y