So People DO Change ...

Wow. A year certainly does bring changes. Long story short, I had a really bad experience with a fellow opera company member ... basically a result of REALLY poor communication and inter-company gossip. It was not pretty ... but towards the end of the season (April/May -- before I was injured), we kind of agreed to make peace because we had a lot of mutual friends, unnecessary to make them "choose," etc. ... but the friendship never went back to what it was PRE crap.

I was really happy that she acknowledged that I had helped her feel good yesterday on a facebook status. She was just having a really hard time, and I guess I must have said something that helped? I don't know ... but this sort of thing always makes me happy ... when people (myself included) are given the opportunity to change their perceptions of another person ... you have to be really open to it, but when it happens, it's just a really good feeling.

On a related note, I've also reunited with an old friend from Barnard ... she is about to graduate (in less than a week!) and we haven't been in touch in over a year and a half ... AGAIN, t

he result of miscommunication (this time through a third party who was truly trying to be manipulative -- as opposed to third, fourth and fifth parties who like to gossip). I hedged my bets that my friend had matured PAST this other (formerly) mutual friend ... and she HAS. She's become her OWN PERSON and doesn't let this other girl weigh her down. In other words, she has TRULY graduated ... in a way that not many of us can. I am happy to have her back in my life.

This has been an ongoing theme for me post-accident: forgiveness ... taking responsibility for what was MY fault and allowing people to apologize if there was something they did. I've had to look back at who my friends truly have been ... who I miss and would like to reconcile with. And it's been really worth it. Holding grudges when there is still SO much pain over my accident is literally toxic.

Not to say that I'm little miss goody two shoes ... I'm not. And there ARE some things that fall under the other person's responsibility to fix ... but if they came to me and apologized, I would forgive them. Not because anyone tells me to ... but because that's the kind of person I find myself happier being.

Though I'm a work in progress. And FAR from perfect!!! And I'm not trying to assume a "higher than thou" attitude ... I hope none of this came across that way because this would be a MISCOMMUNICATION! lol. I'm just trying to .... heal? Let go? I don't know exactly -- but I know it feels good.

Steps in Recovery

Hello all -

Sorry for being so inconsistent with my posts. When I started this blog about 10 months ago, my goal was to keep my extended family and friends in the loop. It evolved into a desire to share my experience with other people who have had career ending (or potentially career ending) injuries, a piece that I am still working on. You can help make me more searchable by SUBSCRIBING TO MY BLOG! I think it's pretty self-explanatory.

So now. 5/5/10 ... approaching a very painful 1 year anniversary of when all this craziness started, and I find my mind absorbed more and more by the process of recovery; even though elements of the injury linger, I am learning slowly how to navigate around them. So I am going to change the focus of this blog into something that is more recovery based in nature ... the various steps I am taking mentally and physically to move past this disaster.

Before I get into all that, though ... it was unfortunately brought to my attention that several members of the Amato opera where I was working when I had this accident either did not believe me or did not believe the condition to be so serious. I can understand to a degree, in that I was not gushing blood. But this is a small enough group of people that word gets around. I don't need to "back myself up" against such idiocy, mostly because I don't want to relive the very VERY real elements of this disaster .... but I do feel the need to say this:

If you cannot understand the intense pain that comes from the threat of not being able to do what you LOVE again ... then I really feel sorry for you. If you do not love SOMETHING in your world enough to say, "I cannot live without this..." ... well, your world is more fake than you think mine to be.

This does not apply to EVERYONE, of course, but I have a better idea than one might think. Special hugs to those who STILL support me and my physically "bad" days ... and to those who have dared to care about another human being, even when many people were against her.

To the people who couldn't even wish me luck the night before my surgery? For shame.

Does this sound bitter? Of COURSE. Sadly, that's part of this "process" and it is very unpleasant. I am trying to get over it as soon as I can ... but some things just hit a sore spot.

Luckily, I have managed not to let bitterness impede too much on my day-to-day life. I have gained a whole note POST-surgery, now allowing for an easy high C and high D. Vocally, I am coming back stronger. I am turning to new forms of expression other than music (ie: art) to express my emotions ... I am turning to the Old Testament for comfort, some of which I will share on here. But this has been a harder journey than I ever thought possible. I hope some of you will allow me to share what remains with you.