Today marks 3 months since my surgery. In 10 days, I will be recording my pre-screening CD for graduate schools. I cannot believe I have made it to this point. That's not to say that I am not EXHAUSTED. I have worked my butt off these past few months -- my teacher says I've worked harder than I think I have, that I sound much better than I think I do ... and that, as usual, I am over-thinking!
It has been a while since I have written, which is unfortunate. I am going to try to get back to writing in more regularly since a BIG part of starting this blog was to discuss the challenges of resuming a normal life as a musician after a potentially career-ending injury.
Let's see .... well, since I last logged in, I've expanded my food repertoire! I am on solids completely (with some exceptions -- I still find bread to be challenging because it is so chewy, steak would be too difficult, and I have a phobia about potato chips! And I still haven't had the Italian hero I've been craving for months). I learned that I am iron deficient (shocker), which is no big deal ... but I got my first taste of red meat a few days ago, and I swear, I literally felt my red blood cells getting happier. It was an AMAZING boost of energy ... although I would have preferred it in steak and not hamburger patty form.
I'm starting to exercise more ... still need to work on that. My weight is making it tricky. I should be about 115-117 (and I haven't checked lately) ... but my teacher thought I needed to put on a few pounds, so that must mean I'm a little under. SO, while I want to get my endurance back, I have to be careful not to lose too much Yona in the process! I started taking a swim class for people with arthritis. It is a good boost to my ego -- I am the youngest and most attractive in the class, lol. And it does help me to exercise in the water -- I don't get as sore, and so I am less discouraged.
All that being said, my endurance HAS improved ten-fold. I was running across Lincoln Plaza the other night because we were late to the opera (and I mean sprinting) and wasn't out of breath! It's not perfect, but my body is healing. My biggest challenge now is learning to deal with the pain that still comes from the damage I did to my neck (not to mention the arthritic stuff) ... doctors are very sadistic. Having to be on narcotics when my back freaks out is a major inconvenience. They give you the meds to treat it, but are of no further help ... "pain management" is a bit of a joke.
Otherwise, my life has revolved around lessons 3x a week, coachings, etc. People do not realize how difficult of a career music can be. I am even surprised sometimes! But the work is rewarding for me. I have had a LOT to deal with and still do (I am dealing with increased anxiety and PTSD symptoms surrounding the accident, and it can absolutely affect me musicall
y; I broke out in hives while singing a piece from Figaro!) ... and I'm not always sure I'll get ther
e. I'm blessed with a teacher who believes in me ... and I need that right now until I can believe in myself a bit more.
I've also used the time I have now to repair some burned bridges. I wanted to right some wron
gs that happened with some of my friends during my undergrad years and have been
so humbled and amazed at their willingness to forgive ME as well. I almost died in that accident -- 1 mm higher and I would have been a goner because I would have hit the soft tissue of my brain. Life is just too short, and this has been a really healing process. I thank the three girls who wrote me back from the bottom of my heart.
That's about it. There is still a lot of struggle. There is still a lot of work. But I am just keeping my mind focused on my music right now, as must as I can. Yes, I get lonely. Yes, I wonder if I am making the right decision. Yes, I am bitter that this happened to me in the first place. And, sadly, there is ensuing depression that comes along with that, despite my happiness that my surgery has been a complete success.
But I'm getting there. Slowly. I hope.
With many good wishes and love to all of you who care to read this ....
Yona
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