(present day Sodom, Israel)
A reading from the book of Genesis (19:12) (bear with me here):
12 And the men said unto Lot: 'Hast thou here any besides? son-in-law, and thy sons, and thy daughters, and whomsoever thou hast in the city; bring them out of the place;
13 for we will destroy this place, because the cry of them is waxed great before the LORD; and the LORD hath sent us to destroy it.'
14 And Lot went out, and spoke unto his sons-in-law, who married his daughters, and said: 'Up, get you out of this place; for the LORD will destroy the city.' Bu
t he seemed unto his sons-in-law as one that jested.
15 And when the morning arose, then the angels hastened Lot, saying: 'Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daughters that are here; lest thou be swept away in the iniquity of the city.'
16 But he lingered; and the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters; the LORD being merciful unto him. And they brought him forth, and set him without the city.
17 And it came to pass, when they had brought them forth abroad, that he s
aid: 'Escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the Plain; escape to the mountain, lest thou be swept away.'
18 And Lot said unto them: 'Oh, not so, my lord;
19 behold now, thy servant hath found grace in thy sight, and thou hast magnified thy mercy, which thou hast shown unto me in saving my life; and I cannot escape to the mountain, lest the evil overtake me, and I die.
20 Behold now, this city is near to flee unto, and it is a little one; oh, let me escape thither--is it not a little one?--and my soul shall live.'
21 And he said unto him: 'See, I have accepted thee concerning this thing also, that I will not overthrow the city of which thou hast spoken.
22 Hasten thou, escape thither; for I cannot do any thing till thou be come thither.'--Therefore the name of the city
was called Zoar.--
23 The sun was risen upon the earth when Lot came unto Zoar.
24 Then the LORD caused to rain upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven;
25 and He overthrow those cities, and all the Plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground.
26 But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.
There are many variations on this story but the point is the same. Lots wife, who is not even given a name, looked back, trying to remember her old life in Sodom and Gomorrah ... and is frozen in time. She is not able to move forwards or backwards, and from Woman, she turns into the most basic of elements.
Point? I have been struggling with A LOT of bitterness towards my accident .... mainly towards the owner of the company I was with, who did not follow up with me at all (to this day). Not only have I been offered NO compensation, but the lack of communication makes me boil.
I am SO ANGRY that this happened to me. I can taste the bitterness.
The bitterness is strangling me. I am not a bitter person -- but, like Lot's wife, I keep looking BACK and have literally become frozen. It is awful. I am not the me I used to be. IT IS KILLING ME.
I do not think forgiveness is even a possibility. BUT, if I can work harder at tapping into my faith in G-d and His plan ... I know that Maestro will have some trouble getting through those Pearly Gates. It is troubling that he is not trying to right some wrongs towards the end of his life, especially after a long life of doing GOOD. I do think that St. Peter will have something to say about that.
In other ways, I am trying to purge myself of the other bitternesses I have held on to for so long. The other night brought a simultaneous e-mail sending between me and my best friend from grade school (age 10). The story of how we "broke up" is kind of irrelevant now. We are both in such different places. Some things are not productive to revisit -- lest we become pillars of salt. I would rather get to know the "new" Emily ... who is a very different person than when I saw her last.
Emily is a BEAUTIFUL person, inside and out. And, even if she doesn't fully see it (who does?), it radiates through her pictures and the sound of her voice. I refuse to turn into salt again with her. We have always felt bonded ... and I hope she feels the same way. Reuniting with her has brought me more happiness than I have felt in a long time.
It is possible to let go of the past .... though my accident is much harder. Emotional hurt does dim in time (depending) .... but I wonder if MY hurt (mental and physical) will ever go away. I'm getting a little scared.
I'm taking some good steps ... I'll be seeing my nutritionist for the first time in a couple of years (oops) ... I need to put a couple of pounds back on, as well as take a refresher course in nutrition. I know that will help me feel better if I can do what she suggests ...
Goodness, it is late ... enough soul searching for now.
YC
ps - to those of you that read this ... check in about once a week, or subscribe so I don't have to keep notifying everyone of an update.
Bitterness is just gonna be there, don't take a full mouthful of salt, just enough to tasty-up your food, I'm sure the nutritionist wouldn't scold a little salt. The worst part about bitterness is that it seems like you can't willfully dismiss it. It's there though, to enable ourselves to feel like we're not at full or any part of the responsibility. Maybe it'll start to make more sense as time goes on.
ReplyDeleteI pray that this Pesach will carry you closer to the freedom and promise of tomorrow, Yona.
ReplyDeleteIt is a slow, often-frustrating process, but you are never far from those who care about you and empathize very much.
Be well...